Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Seven States Isn't THAT Far...

Colby signing in.
Ashlee singing in.
Confusion avoided.

A lot of people talk about "long distance relationships," and really, we have a confession to make: we have one.

Yeah and what's up with kids these days whining about long distance relationships when they've NEVER EVEN MET?

I know, right? I'm not really sure how you can miss someone you've never even met. We, on the other hand, saw each other literally every day before you moved.

Literally. Every day I would leave work, then head to your house to hang out for however long.

Yep. We're now separated by seven states and are closer than ever. In case you're wondering how we do it, we've decided to provide this handy guide to good ways to stay close versus bad ways to stay close to help you recognize the difference.

Step One: Actually BE close, as these won't work if you, well, aren't. THEN...

When one of you is sick, text each other to keep posted on developments at the doctor so the other can know if the illness warrants a fun card in the mail versus the first plane home to have a bedside vigil.

Write out your entire medical history, including details of the consistency of your diarrhea, your past five psychiatrists' names, and a photograph of your colon on a public forum.

Privately share your new address so you can mail your friend her Bitch #2 t-shirt and her Slytherin necklace.

Post your full name, address, birthday, social security number, hair and eye color, and a picture of your new apartment straight from google maps on your favorite social networking site. You want to stay close to your friend, not your "closest" 5,000 "friends."

Let your friend know when you might be home this weekend in between work, hanging out with your significant other, and parties or other things on your schedule. This way, you guys can have some time to chat on the phone or online.

Neglecting to have any social life aside from sitting on the computer and waiting for your friend to get back on and/or not having any other friends besides your long distance one, because that's just plain creepy.

Make solid plans to visit your friend by saving money and following through with plans.

Whine about not getting to see your friend and beg for money from your parents/friends/other people you met on the internet in order to hopefully make a trip 3 years from now. In the meantime, happily let your friend know about all the movie tickets you're buying, the new dresses you've purchased, and the plays you've seen. She'll really appreciate hearing the money you don't have saved up is going to good use.

If your pal is having a bad day, reply to her tweet with something fun to cheer her up.
Example: Pal: Growl. Work + headache = agh!
You: You know what makes my headaches better? (insert link of Harry Potter comic/Matt Damon youtube video/funny blunt card)

If your pal is having a bad day, reply to her tweet with something that will only make her bad day worse.
Pal: Work + headache = agh!
You: Oh noes! Is your boss being a cherry flavored douchebag again like you said he was last week? Want me to kick his ass?

So, there you have it, folks! Ways to stay close at a distance (without looking like idiots). How do you cope with long distance relationships?

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Toy Tours

Ashlee signing in.
Colby signing in.
Confusion avoided.

I recently came across this website: http://www.stuffedinthecity.com. You send one of your toys or a cut out picture of yourself to this company in NYC, and they take pictures of said toy or picture visiting sites around the city. There are different tours to choose from - the Full Throttle tour includes lots of sites like Wall Street, Times Square, and Rockefeller Center. They also have the Kids Only Tour, the Sex and the City tour, and the History & Culture tour. It costs from $35-$100, with toys being more expensive than cutout pictures.

My first question is, "What...the...hell?!" Who the hell spends that much money on anything but an ACTUAL trip to NY?? My second question is, "Why the hell didn't I think of this first?

I think we somehow swapped colors for this post. It's weird. But, then I thought, maybe it's because we get confused about which of us is which, even while typing posts. We are twins, after all. Do real twins do confuse themselves with each other? Ok, sorry...I digress.

Ok. What the hell? So, basically, what you're telling me here is I could shell out $1000 on a toy to symbolically go ice skating in Central Park when in reality, for the cost of a plane ticket and whatever it costs to get me from the plane to Central Park and rent skates, I could actually DO the trip. Um. Hm. List of people who might think this is a good idea:

1. Bruno Mars. He might get a grenade thrown at him if he leaves his house. Always safer to be careful.

2. Boy in the Plastic Bubble. He would have a really hard time getting around in NY.

3. Howie Mandell. I hear he is a germophobe.

4. Woody, Buzz Lightyear, or any of the other Toy Story toys. They could just send themselves and enjoy it more than any of the other toys.

5. Casey Anthony. When half the world wants your head on a platter, it's better to "order in," so to speak.

Would you do this for your kid's toys? I'd really and truly like to know. No judging here. :-)

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Textually Active: To Aunt, or Not to Aunt?

The following is a real-life excerpt from a Colby and Ashlee text session:

April 13, 2011 2:30pm
C: Did you see the video posted of the kid at disneyworld swearing allegiance to darth vader? I thought you'd like it. A: Haha no I haven't. Will check it out. C: I want that to be your and jps kid one day. Aunt colby will groom him or her. Lol.
April 13, 2011 3:36pm
A: Will our kids call us aunt? I've never thought about that until this moment! C: Lol. I just assumed. Lol
April 13, 2011 4:14pm
C: What do you think? A: Um yes!

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Storm's a Brewin'

Colby signing in.
Ashlee signing in.
Confusion avoided.

And now, ladies and gents, a little look into our personalities... Once upon a time, in a land I like to call 2008, a great movie night was planned. It was a dark and stormy night...well, then again, it wasn't. Yet. But I digress. Ashlee called me to let me know she was leaving her house-- she'd seen reports of impending bad weather on the news, but she thought the sky looked pretty clear, so she was going to go ahead and set out for my apartment. We hung up the phone, thinking all was well. Little did we know, all was not well. It took about 20 minutes for me to be completely freaked out. There was no rain, but it was really windy and the lightning was the worst I've ever seen. It was constant electricity streaking through the sky...terrifying. Finally I called Colby to help me try and stay calm. My muscles were so tense, my knuckles were white from gripping the steering wheel, and I was resisting the urge to go way above the speed limit in order to get there as quickly as possible. I needed comfort.
Haha...little did Ashlee know that I was the last person she needed to turn to for said comfort. She says can't see in front of her it's raining so hard. I flip on the TV to check the weather, and I see we're in the middle of cell of tornado-warnings. The string of words that started to fly out of my mouth would've made a Marine blush.
Yeah. Needless to say it only made me more freaked out. I listened as Colby started trying to herd her pets into her closet (unsuccessfully, by the increase in cuss words I started hearing). At some point both of our voices were elevated. Hers dropping f-bombs in terror, and mine yelling for her to please stop cussing because it was not helping. I was only a few exits away from Colby's exit when I decided to pull over under a bridge, just in case. It was about that time that another friend of ours (who had been planning to join us at Colby's) called to say her family had crammed into the bathroom when they heard the roar of a tornado near them and that they'd also heard on TV that it might be heading right toward where I was sitting.
The whole thing is a little blurry, but I'm pretty sure when Ashlee clicked back over to me to tell me this, I said, "Holy motherf***ing son of a b**** in h*** %^$*#( ^$%#*@!" That might be paraphrased a little. And this is the point at which the phrase that would live in our lives for the rest of all time was uttered. Ashlee, calmly and quietly, says, "Colby, when you curse, it makes me nervous." It really did make me nervous. It still does. To this day, if we're involved in any sort of tense situation, Colby's first inclination is to curse, which only serves to freak me out...and follow her example. As far as that stormy night, I never did see an actual tornado...I waited a few minutes, then decided to make a "run" for it and drove the last 10 minutes to Colby's apartment, praying out loud all the way (an interesting contrast to the words that had previously been coming out of my mouth). Our friends still came over later as if nothing had happened.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

And So It Begins

Hi there, bloglets, and welcome to our new blog. "Our" meaning mine and Ashlee's, Ashlee's and mine. If you know us in real life, you pretty much know we're joined at the hip in a we-share-a-vital-organ-so-don't-try-to-separate-us sort of a way. If you're visiting from my blog, you'll know Ashlee as my best friend, Blog Club Chief of Staff, and general partner in crime. Still, you're probably thinking, "Why blog together?" (Side note: Because everyone loves to have words put in their mouths, right?) In order to explain that, a little back story. *ahem*

Colby and I met at callbacks for Beauty and the Beast at a local community theatre in October of 2007. We seemed to be the only two girls who didn't know everyone else. We might go into more detail about our time spent at the theatre, but suffice it to say that that night was the start of a beautiful friendship. After the show was over, we started meeting once a week for movie night. This eventually evolved into me just heading straight to Colby's apartment every single day after work in order to do absolutely nothing. We quickly discovered we obsess over the same things and I think that has been what holds us together so well. We no longer had to obsess alone - we could be absolutely insane together!

Over the years, we've realized we share a lot of thoughts ranging from the mundane to the insane. It has become frighteningly common for one of us to comment on something we'd just been thinking about and have the other reply, "I was just thinking about that yesterday/and hour ago/five minutes ago." There is even a classic response now, this has happened so much. It is: "Of course you were."

Yes, for example. In writing this blog post, Colby wrote her paragraphs first and then I inserted my paragraphs. I finished my above paragraph, then scrolled down to see read Colby's next paragraph. I somehow managed to segue perfectly...we both used the word insane. It might sound small and stupid to you, but it happens to us ALL THE TIME.

We also tend to understand each other incredibly well, rely on each other far more than normal humans, dream about each other, and share a lot of personality quirks. Yes, it is dysfunctional. Yes, we are codependent. Is it abnormal? Yes. Is it unhealthy? Maybe. Does it work? Definitely.

We are twins. Zat is why.