Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Seven States Isn't THAT Far...

Colby signing in.
Ashlee singing in.
Confusion avoided.

A lot of people talk about "long distance relationships," and really, we have a confession to make: we have one.

Yeah and what's up with kids these days whining about long distance relationships when they've NEVER EVEN MET?

I know, right? I'm not really sure how you can miss someone you've never even met. We, on the other hand, saw each other literally every day before you moved.

Literally. Every day I would leave work, then head to your house to hang out for however long.

Yep. We're now separated by seven states and are closer than ever. In case you're wondering how we do it, we've decided to provide this handy guide to good ways to stay close versus bad ways to stay close to help you recognize the difference.

Step One: Actually BE close, as these won't work if you, well, aren't. THEN...

When one of you is sick, text each other to keep posted on developments at the doctor so the other can know if the illness warrants a fun card in the mail versus the first plane home to have a bedside vigil.

Write out your entire medical history, including details of the consistency of your diarrhea, your past five psychiatrists' names, and a photograph of your colon on a public forum.

Privately share your new address so you can mail your friend her Bitch #2 t-shirt and her Slytherin necklace.

Post your full name, address, birthday, social security number, hair and eye color, and a picture of your new apartment straight from google maps on your favorite social networking site. You want to stay close to your friend, not your "closest" 5,000 "friends."

Let your friend know when you might be home this weekend in between work, hanging out with your significant other, and parties or other things on your schedule. This way, you guys can have some time to chat on the phone or online.

Neglecting to have any social life aside from sitting on the computer and waiting for your friend to get back on and/or not having any other friends besides your long distance one, because that's just plain creepy.

Make solid plans to visit your friend by saving money and following through with plans.

Whine about not getting to see your friend and beg for money from your parents/friends/other people you met on the internet in order to hopefully make a trip 3 years from now. In the meantime, happily let your friend know about all the movie tickets you're buying, the new dresses you've purchased, and the plays you've seen. She'll really appreciate hearing the money you don't have saved up is going to good use.

If your pal is having a bad day, reply to her tweet with something fun to cheer her up.
Example: Pal: Growl. Work + headache = agh!
You: You know what makes my headaches better? (insert link of Harry Potter comic/Matt Damon youtube video/funny blunt card)

If your pal is having a bad day, reply to her tweet with something that will only make her bad day worse.
Pal: Work + headache = agh!
You: Oh noes! Is your boss being a cherry flavored douchebag again like you said he was last week? Want me to kick his ass?

So, there you have it, folks! Ways to stay close at a distance (without looking like idiots). How do you cope with long distance relationships?

1 comment:

  1. got it!
    you two are hilarious . . . helpful.
    i have a daughter in malibu, and
    this shows me all the things i have
    been doing wrong. sheesh.